it hurts. i feel myself breaking as i sit here and type this. i feel everything closing in and i wish for death. i do. i know that's bad but i do. i mean, why? just ...why? i'm tired and broken and i feel i'm just trapped in a corner like a bug awaiting that giant rolled up newspaper or shoe or book or aerosol can or foot or hand or whatever.
this year has won. everyone who wants me to fail has won. the devil or God (trying to teach me a lesson) has won. those who want to be my crutch have won. those who suck on my tears have won. those who hope on my back and ride me like a pony when i'm broken and hunche over ...have won.
the only one who has lost remains ...me. the one sitting here listening to 'latter days' by over the rhine, feeling the cool and warm of tears is me. the one who wants to slip into sleep and never wake up tomorrow is me.
i see nothing or no one saving me this time and possibly rightly so. i see no light anymore. i see absolutely no motivation in work and life anymore.
i just want to disappear. i really do. implode or explode. i can't go on like this. body and spirit are broken. i've done nothing all weekend. days blurred and faded into one. the months have also blurred and faded.
hot or not?
